But, why wouldn't I do it?
Over 20 years of teaching Focusing and I am still working on my elevator speech! I am not the only one. It is very common for workshop participants, trainees and long time clients to remark on how they are having a powerful, transformative experience yet they are at a loss for words that adequately explain what Focusing is or how it is happening. (I have noticed, too, that few of us seem to find an elevator to be a very good place to make a speech.)
The what and the how of talking about Focusing are important but I am beginning to appreciate that the why may be the most relevant way to begin. (There is a book and a body of work, written and developed by Simon Sinek, Starting with Why. I haven’t read the book but I watched the TED talk.)
I have a story about this (and more about stories in a minute). Several years ago at a Thanksgiving gathering, I was talking with a close friend about Focusing. I was articulating what it was – using descriptions such a “method of self awareness” and a “tool for healing, growth and transformation” and a “way to connect mind, body and spirit”. My friend was very attentive in her listening and then very sincere in her questioning: “But, why would I do it?”
I was a bit confounded by this question as it seemed to me that the answer was self evident in my description. I see now that not only was I being a bit abstract, I was presupposing that one would be naturally drawn to these abstractions.
Considering this interaction now, I could have said: “You know those headaches that you get when you are stressed? I remember you told me that when you and your husband have some sort of conflict, you end up with a headache and he ends up with a stomach ache. We can think about this as an example of the mind/body connection. When you know Focusing you can work with that, get to know that something in you that is connected to the pain in your head. As you become more aware of your feelings and sensations, pay attention to them in friendly and curious way, the body’s response can shift, and new possibilities of being in the situation can emerge. To be even more to the point: “You experience less pain and suffering.” The why differs from person to person, and yet our primary motivations often boil down to a few core issues.
Another way for me to share the benefits (the why) of Focusing with you is to offer a couple of stories from students and clients.
A while back, I ran into someone at a concert who had taken just one Introductory Focusing class many years prior, and I had not seen her since. As we were reconnecting, she told me that she and another student in the class had been Focusing together in a weekly partnership since the class ended. This relationship and practice was one of the most nurturing and nourishing experiences in her life. I was delighted — and surprised! Not about the benefits, but that they had been able to create and sustain a long term Focusing and Listening exchange after only one workshop. They had been strangers before the class, and now, they were compassionate witnesses and listeners for each other on a steady basis (without me knowing a thing about it). They were not friends in a socializing kind of way – but companions on life’s inner journey.
Focusing can be practiced many ways: in conjunction with therapy or bodywork, individual sessions, solo Focusing or in partnership. Focusing partnership is how most people bring this work into their lives in a foundational way. This is why learning Focusing and Listening exchange in dyads or triads is what is emphasized in the four levels of Inner Relationship Focusing training. Whichever way you learn it and practice it, eventually it can become second nature and integrated into your whole life.
The second story comes from an actually storytelling event where I was sitting in front of a woman with whom I have been friendly for many years. She took what must have been one of the very first classes I offered. It was so long ago that I almost forgot she had taken the class, and associated her with another connection in our past. She tapped me on the shoulder before the show and said something to the effect of: “I just want you to know that the Focusing group I was in with you changed my life. It rewired my body/mind in a way that has grounded and centered me. It has really stayed with me.” This unexpected gift of her sharing brought a smile to my face and a big wave of gratitude to my whole being.
Both of these encounters widened my horizons as to what is possible in this work and reminded me that we often don’t understand how people, interactions and experiences reverberate through a life and the network of our connected lives. And they help me further ground and appreciate my own why of the matter.
How cool is it that I came upon this life giving practice and get to share it with other people? And train people who share it with even more people — reaching out in ever widening circles — into a world in much need of its benefits. A practice that positively changes the way we are wired, creates a safe space for us to connect to the inner life, builds intimacy, grounds and centers us, relieves our suffering, and more. Challenges with describing it notwithstanding, pretty darn cool!
Perhaps these stories will fill in some of the why of Focusing for you or help you describe it to someone else. I hope so. And please, if you have a story or experience to share about your journey with Focusing, I would love to hear it. I am gathering them. Maybe I will be better prepared this Thanksgiving — or in that awkward elevator!